C'est la vie, "life's a bitch and so am i"

If only I knew how it’s  going to be
If only when I try to fix things, they became better
If only I was certain of how others feel
And if only people believed what I say...

If I knew how to show what I really felt
If I knew how to make people understand
If I knew how to make them believe
If I knew how to make them happy

If making people happy doesn't leave me sad
If making them understand doesn't make me an ignorant
If making them believe doesn't make me a liar
And if letting them know how I feel doesn't leave me numb

Things would've never reached that point
I know I would be in a much happier place
No one would ever blame me for not feeling
No one would blame me for not thinking

That's life ....You're never certain
You never know, you're never sure
You're not going to live that dream of yours
And life would never be "trouble free"

You have to live with what you have
You try to fix the broken glass
You try to collect the shattered pieces
You make the best of everyday

It's like a train that never stops
Keep going through life without pausing
Just live each day and throw it behind you
Don't look back or you'll break your neck !

life...

Looking out of the window,

as the sun slowly hides beneath the horizon,

the darkness creeps and crawls its way

upon the land;

 

i have been waiting for years,

haunted by memories,

going round and round,

in this vicious circle of life;

 

as the music fades away,

i look around to spot any familiar faces,

it seems i am here all alone,

trying to make sense of this crazy thing called life;

 

how long does it take?

to solve this puzzle called life?

how much more longer,

if only i knew!

 

like a bird in a cage,

as i sit and stare into another day,

its getting harder and harder,

to be in control yet feel helpless;

 

yet, i have been waiting for years,

it made no sense,

maybe this is what my life is?

 

as i look into an unknown horizon,

the promise of a happy ending tempts me back,

and i choose to survive

to have another go at this thing called Life!

 

 

 

why

“Why?”

Why do you keep going on like everything's okay?

Treating me the way you do like it's a normal day.

I am confused of who you are, and who I am to you,

I'm scared that you will never know who I have grown into.

I can't explain the reasons why you hate me now and then,

And why you've never let me live my life as just your friend.

The chances are forbidden that I ever could be right,

‘Cause I'm always wrong in your eyes, you change like day &  night.

And when you say those evil lies, my heart would start to melt,

It hurts that you have never cared or listened to how I felt.

But throughout all this chaos I have learned a valuable lesson,

That even if you know you're wrong, you'll never give confession.

So now that i have two kids of my own,

 I can show them a love that you have never shown.

Instead you showed me hate that I know I cannot forget,

So I will show my kids a love that I will not regret.

"dead"

“Dead”

What happens when you feel dead inside?
Do curl up in a ball and hide?
Do you simply let the tears fall,
Or never cry at all?
Do you make some scars,
Tear some papers apart.
Look down from a cliff,
Shoulders and neck all stiff.
Do you cry out their name?
Hoping it would end, this game?
Do you think about suicide?
And then just let the thought abide,
Next to your bedside.
It sits there all night,
Watching you sleep until the morning light.

huh?

No More Locked Doors

Everyday we pass through doors
Whether they're open or locked, the decision is yours
When you choose to slip up, that decision is gone
How long they're locked depends on what you've done.

Now you sit, staring, at the locked doors all around
The thoughts in your mind beating your soul to the ground
That time has now come to put change in your ways
Stop living your life in some substance-induced haze.

The time will soon come to unlock the door
From then on set your goals to always want more
If it's the negative road and wrong choices you make
Someday, real soon, your life, those drugs WILL take.

So when you hold in your hand the key to your door
Don't be that guy face down on the floor
For EVERYONE has the potential to be great
Just like the doors, you hold the key to your fate.

Yawn

3 'o'clock Why can't I sleep? I toss and turn, I sing I read Why can't I stop worrying? Those sheep don't work And the house to quiet I light my candles and silently sit. My feet are frozen My lips are dry I think of you And tears fall from my eyes The dark room holds my fears Like a mother holds her child I crawl back in bed And curl up in a ball I am exhausted But for some reason I can not sleep at ALL!

an idle mind...

“aching”

My heart aches when I don’t talk to Him

My heart aches when I don’t hear from Him

My heart aches when I long for Him

I don’t know why

He’s taken over my thoughts

I can’t explain

He’s almost a stranger

So far away

I want Him close to me now

I miss His embrace

Holding Him close

My heart aches for His love

My heart aches

“lost girl”

I’m the girl who hides behind a smile everyday

Im the girl who has a tough exterior

That’s not who I really am

Im the girl who has a lot of problems

I don’t share any of them

Im the girl who keeps everything bottled up

Sometimes I need someone to talk to

Someone to care about me

Someone to listen to my problems

Someone to hold me when I cry

Someone to love me

nobody knows the real me

nobody knows what I go through everyday

nobody knows what I do just to make it through each day

nobody knows im the girl who will cry herself to sleep every night

What’s a girl to do without demotivational posters??  These things never fail to make me smile...

"invisible"

today i wish i were invisible, to hide from all the heartache and darkness that has recently seemed to consume my world. Why do i have these thoughts? i'm not exactly sure, but i know that they'e been deep inside my phsyche for quite sometime just waiting to surface. It seems that all i do to make the feelings disappear is totally in vain. today i just want to be home. i should be joyfull, today marks thirty days without the substances that may harm myself or my F/family, instead i feel myself wanting to leave this place. i want to run away, to hide for weeks or months from everyone and everything that i hold dear. i ask myself time and time again, what's wrong with you? Why can you not overcome this monster that lies within? Why can't you be strong like before? Before what? Why have you allowed this addiction to take over your mind and body, allowed it to be your wicked new Master, and pushed all those you love and cherish aside? Yes today i want to be invisible, if only that were possible. i'm still here, i'm sorry. i love Y/you all with all that i am, be well and know that soon i will be home and "me" again.